If you’re a parent heading into a New Jersey divorce, you undoubtedly have significant concerns about how the process of ending your marriage will impact your children. Understanding this reality, there are 10 things to keep in mind in regard to what your children might be thinking about your New Jersey divorce.
One of the most common thoughts faced by children whose parents are divorcing is whether they are to blame for the marriage ending. With regularity, children often internalize conflicts associated with many things, including the divorce of their parents. Children may believe that something they did – or didn’t do—something that caused the separation and the subsequent New Jersey divorce. Children might replay moments when they misbehave or when they did not meet expectations. As a result, children may wonder if those actions (or inactions) led to the breakdown of their parent’s marriage. It is absolutely vital to reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents love their children unconditionally.
On a somewhat related note, a New Jersey divorce can shake a child’s sense of security. As a consequence, this can lead children to question whether their parents’ love for them has changed. They might worry that if their parents can stop loving each other, the same could happen to them. It is incumbent upon you to communicate with your children regularly that your love for them is unwavering and that the divorce does not diminish it.
In the midst of a divorce, children often worry about how the divorce will affect their relationship with each parent. They legitimately may fear losing contact with one parent or both parents as a consequence of a divorce case. The child may fear that they will be placed in a position at which they are forced to choose sides. This anxiety can be especially pronounced if the separation involves moving to a new home or city. Clear communication about custody arrangements and consistent efforts to maintain a strong bond with both parents can help alleviate these concerns.
Children oftentimes (if not almost always) view their family as a unit. A divorce can feel like the dismantling of that unit. Children may wonder what their new family structure will look like. They may wonder how it will function.
They are likely to ask questions like: Will they have to split their time between two homes? Will holidays and traditions change?
Providing a clear picture of what to expect can help ease their anxiety about the future and is something that a divorcing parent needs to do on a consistent basis.
Another question children ask during a divorce is “will my parents get back together again?” Many children truly do hold onto the hope that their parents will reconcile. They may even cling to this hope even after the divorce is finalized. It is imperative that you are honest with your children about the permanence of divorce while being sensitive to their feelings in doing so.
Children thrive on routine. By definition, divorce is likely to disrupt their sense of stability. They may worry about changes to their daily lives. This includes such things as:
Maintaining as much consistency as possible and involving them in decisions about their routines can help them feel more secure.
The concept of family is central to a child’s identity. Divorce can make them question what it means to be a family. They might wonder if they will still have a family when their parents are no longer together. Emphasize that while the family structure may change, the family itself remains.
Children likely will struggle to articulate their emotions during a divorce. They may feel a mix of sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief, depending on the circumstances. They might also worry about expressing these emotions. They may fear that expressing their emotions will upset their parents or make the existing situation worse. It is incumbent upon divorcing parents to maintain open communication with children and to let them know that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling.
Children may worry about how their friends will perceive their family situation during and after a divorce. They might fear being judged, teased, or excluded because of the divorce. Reassure them that their friends will still care about them and that their family situation does not define their worth or identity.
Finally, divorce can make children feel uncertain about their future. While it is impossible to predict the future, you can help your children build resilience by modeling healthy coping mechanisms.If you have questions concerning child custody and divorce, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen at (201) 845-7400 for a free consultation.