The Pros and Cons of Nesting as a Child Custody Arrangement for Divorcing Parents

Following a typical divorce, each parent maintains a separate residence, and the children rotate between those residences according to a parenting plan. For many years, traditional plans have had the children residing with one parent a majority of the time and living with the other parent every other weekend and for half of the vacation times. In recent years, splitting physical custody evenly has become increasingly common.

Whatever the manner of split, children were required to adapt to frequent moves between homes. That can result in children being separated from friends and familiar places for days at a time, increasing their stress and the potential resentment towards one or both parents for having this lifestyle forced upon them.

A fairly recent trend intended to reduce a child’s stress when parents separate or divorce is nesting. In a nesting arrangement, the child remains in the family home while the parents rotate in and out. Nesting is based on the concept of birds looking after their young. In the natural world, while one bird parent flies off to find food, the other remains in the nest looking after their young offspring.

Nesting requires both parents to have a place to live other than the family home when they are “off-duty.”  Parents might choose to rent and share a studio or one-bedroom apartment or establish separate residences for use during their off-duty time. Converting a workspace to serve as a part-time residence or moving into a room in the home of a friend or family member may be an option.

Nesting can be short- or long-term. The arrangement might work best as a transitional arrangement when parents separate and are working through a divorce that will ultimately lead to each parent having a full-time separate residence. Alternatively, nesting might work as a long-term option until a specific milestone is reached, such as a child reaching a specific age, completion of a school year, or sale of the family home.

For nesting to be successful, parents need to agree on ground rules regarding parenting styles, discipline, scheduling, household duties, and communication. Parents should outline such rules in a written nesting agreement. The document should detail how expenses will be shared, how emergencies will be handled, how communication will take place, and what method will be used to resolve disagreements.

One parent should not try to force the other to accept nesting as a custody plan. Courts are unlikely to impose a nesting arrangement on a divorcing couple, given the high level of cooperation required by the parents. Even when a nesting plan is agreed upon, each parent should retain the right to terminate the arrangement by giving notice to the other within a set time.

As a relatively new concept, few studies of nesting effects have been conducted. As a result, child psychologists and family advocates have varying opinions about the potential benefits and drawbacks of nesting. However, most seem to agree nesting is a concept worth considering under the right situation.

Benefits of Nesting

Nesting provides more stability and less disruption for children. The children remain in familiar surroundings and close to schools, friends and familiar places. This may be particularly important when the family home is the only residence the child has ever known. After-school and extracurricular routines remain stable.

Nesting may help to reduce the anxiety and stress caused by parental separation. Nesting maintains consistency and a solid structure for the family. Children do not have to pack for or think about a move to a new residence each week. Nesting requires parents to act cooperatively. This sets a positive example for the children showing that people can work through differences even during major life changes.

Nesting can ease the transition while a divorce is being finalized. The result of a divorce may be a more traditional custody plan in which children rotate between residences, but nesting provides time for the children to accept and adjust to the reality that their parents are separating. A child can be spared the full brunt of life changes that can accompany the beginning of a divorce. For parents, nesting allows more time for them to consider what they truly want in a long-term custody arrangement.

Nesting may prove to be financially beneficial. If parents agree to share the cost of the mortgage on the family home and a residence to be used during off-duty times, this can reduce or at least delay the cost of having to establish two permanent residences suitable for children. Alternatively, the off-duty parent might conserve funds by staying with friends or family or renting a room in a shared home nearby.

Nesting may provide the needed time to plan to sell the family home and maximize the profit. Disposition of the home is a necessary topic of discussion in every divorce. Will one spouse keep the home and buy out the other’s interest? Will the home be sold and the profits split? Real estate markets fluctuate greatly. Nesting can allow parents the needed time to discuss logistics for the home sale and delay listing until the market demand is at a peak.  

Drawbacks of Nesting

Some psychologists believe nesting may simply delay children from accepting reality and present a threat to their mental health as a result. These psychologists theorize that by facing challenges together with their parents, such as leaving the family home, children may acquire the tools needed to become resilient adults in the future.

Nesting can prove stressful for parents. While the children remain in familiar surroundings, the off-duty parent must live outside the family home for days or weeks at a time. Moving between homes and not having the conveniences available in the family home can be a difficult adjustment. Maintaining a dual residence may prevent both parents from feeling that they have a home.

Nesting may create negative psychological impacts on parents by preventing them from getting over the breakup. Some psychologists argue that nesting can interfere with the natural desire following a divorce to create a separate life and move on. At some point, many divorced parents simply want to be fully free from their former marriage except for parental responsibilities.

Nesting creates a variety of logistical challenges that demand cooperation. Who does the household chores? Sharing the cost of a weekly cleaner might be one solution. How is responsibility shared for buying groceries and household supplies? If conflicts arise from a parent eating food or using supplies purchased by the other, nesting can prove unworkable.

Maintaining privacy can be a challenge. If one parent starts a new romantic relationship, how is that handled when that parent is in the family home? Having a new romantic partner sleep in a parental bedroom still being used by both parents may prove stressful. An option may be to have each adult have separate bedrooms when they are in the family home. Alternatively, parents might agree to put their social lives, including dating, on hold when residing in the family home.

For parents who lack financial resources or a support network, finding alternative housing for use during their off-duty time can present an obstacle. It may be possible to nest in place by converting a garage or other area of the home into a separate, off-duty residence.

Nesting does not replace the need to have a formal, written parenting plan both during and after divorce proceedings. Parenting plans set out in detail when children will be with each parent during school years and vacations and on birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. Plans usually include details about decision-making and dispute resolution.

Nesting works best for highly flexible parents who have mutual respect for each other and a shared desire to make their children’s well-being a priority. With thorough planning, nesting can be a successful child-custody arrangement and provide the emotional and physical stability a child requires during a difficult time. Parents considering nesting as a custody option should consult an experienced family law attorney who can help determine if this arrangement is appropriate for the family’s specific circumstances. If you considering filing for a divorce in New Jersey and have questions about Nesting, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen at 201-845-7400 for a free consultation.