Divorcing a Narcissist: 10 Legal Strategies for Protecting Your Finances, Children and Rights

Going through a divorce is stressful and emotional under typical circumstances. When your spouse is a narcissist, the divorce process often becomes chaotic, highly frustrating and, at times, even dangerous. Employing a variety of strategies to protect yourself and your rights can help to lessen the anxiety and confusion that comes with divorcing a narcissist.

Narcissists must feel that they are in control. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, are manipulative, often irrational, and they lack empathy for others. Every issue in a divorce becomes a battle that the narcissist feels must be won, and they will say and do virtually anything, including outright lying, to get what they want. Understanding how narcissists think is the first step in surviving divorce.

1. Plan and Prepare. Preparation reduces chaos. Since you will likely be the one starting the divorce, take the time to plan thoroughly. Do not warn your spouse you intend to file for divorce. If you do, assets may be hidden, documents might suddenly disappear and financial accounts you rely upon might be blocked. The goal is to strengthen your financial and legal foundation before starting the divorce.

Make a clear list of what you hope to accomplish for yourself and your children once the divorce is final. Also, know what you are willing to give up if necessary. Narcissists love to win and don’t like giving up anything. Knowing what you are willing to sacrifice may give you strategic negotiation leverage to obtain a concession from your spouse allowing him to think he has won something that, in fact, was unimportant to you.

Preparation provides protection. When a narcissistic spouse is served with divorce papers, emotions often quickly escalate. Retaliation is frequently threatened. Plan the service of papers to occur when you and your children will not be present. Careful timing can reduce the risk of emotional outbursts.

2. Retain an experienced attorney. You are going into what is likely to be a drawn-out battle in which your spouse will do everything possible to thwart your goals and turn your kids and friends against you. You need legal counsel who understands how to deal with a narcissist and who can counter the seemingly endless challenges your spouse will hurl at you. An attorney will help minimize the contact required between you and your spouse.

Narcissists often choose to represent themselves believing that they know more than attorneys. Do not make the mistake of going into a divorce alone. Narcissists often file multiple voluminous motions hoping to assert control from the start. Judges often become frustrated by a parade of constant motions. An attorney experienced in high-conflict divorces can cut through the games, highlight the critical issues for the court and make clear arguments on your behalf.

3. Compile Detailed Financial & Property Documents. Make copies of important financial documents that may be required to calculate child support or alimony and to obtain an equitable property distribution. This includes several years of tax returns, W2 forms, pay stubs for you and your spouse, property deeds and titles, bank and investment account statements, check registers, vehicle registrations, insurance policies and all household bills for at least the past six months. If children are involved, make copies of medical and school records.

Trying to obtain this information may prove difficult and time-consuming once the divorce has begun. Having this information in advance can save a lot of headaches, time and money.

4. Safeguard Your Finances & Valuables. Before starting a divorce, establish at least one bank account solely in your name that your spouse cannot access. Change any direct deposits to that account. If you currently have joint accounts, move half the funds in those accounts to your separate account. Check with your attorney before doing so. Having funds in your own separate account is essential, as you should expect your spouse to cut you off financially once you file for divorce.

Safeguard any valuable property or documents by storing them at a location outside the family home. This may include jewelry, family photos, children’s school records and papers or treasured mementos.

5. Protect Yourself and Your Children. Living under the same roof while divorcing a narcissist will become intolerable, and you cannot expect your spouse to voluntarily choose to leave. Have an alternative residence in mind. Once you have separated, notify your children’s schools of the change and provide information about how you can be contacted.

Create what you believe will be a reasonable visitation plan for your children that will minimize conflict. Speak with them about what is happening in a manner appropriate to their age. Try to limit disruption to your child’s routines and rules.

If you fear your spouse may become abusive once the divorce has started, consider obtaining a protection order to limit contact. Tell your attorney about any concerns before filing the divorce. The order may only be a piece of paper, but if your spouse violates it, a court can impose jail time.

Sign out of all email and social media accounts and change your passwords. Enable two-factor authentication when possible.

6. Limit Communication, Document Everything. Narcissists are adept at lying and when caught, they will often immediately create a different lie. Judges are often faced with a “he said, she said” situation in court that can be difficult to resolve on statements alone. The best way to counter is with thorough documentation that proves your point.

You may choose to begin documenting before filing for divorce particularly if there are instances of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Once the divorce has started, keep every text and e-mail between you and your spouse. If your spouse attacks you via social media, make copies of all posts. These can prove valuable in court.

Create written summaries of phone or in-person conversations. Note every time that your spouse fails to return children on time from visits or to comply with court orders. If you communicate directly with your spouse, keep messages short and businesslike. Do not express the anger or frustration you may feel. Use your attorney as a buffer when you feel uncomfortable talking to your spouse.

Never rely on verbal agreements with a narcissistic spouse. Informal promises are often broken. Put everything in writing. Any significant agreements should be reviewed with your attorney.

7. Challenge Your Spouse’s Gameplaying – A narcissistic spouse will test the limits of every court order whether it involves property, child support, visitation or production of documents. Narcissists love to create conflict and exercise control. You should follow court orders to the letter, and keep your attorney informed when your spouse does not. You want to be seen by the court as the reasonable person in this divorce.

Work with your attorney to choose which battle to fight. Do not hesitate to ask the court for findings of contempt and payment of your legal fees by your spouse for having to defend against constant, frivolous motions. Judges have little tolerance for violations of their orders. A well-timed and documented contempt motion can demonstrate your spouse’s gameplaying to the court and negate the contention that he is the aggrieved party.

8. Set Boundaries, Stay Composed. To minimize the conflict and drama you can expect your spouse to create, set specific boundaries. Be clear about how and when you can be contacted. Limit communication to matters essential to the divorce. Avoid emotional outbursts, stick to the facts and remain focused on the objectives you hope to achieve.

9. Assemble Your Support Team – Divorcing a narcissist requires support. You do not want to go through this alone. In addition to your attorney, you will want people to talk to or with whom you can vent your frustrations. Expect your spouse to contact your friends and relatives to try and get them to say negative things about you. Choose your network of supportive friends carefully. Be sure they are trustworthy.

Consider retaining a therapist for yourself or your children to help cope with the daily stresses divorce will bring. Choose a therapist who understands how narcissists think. You might also join a local support group if one is available.

10. Make Time for Yourself. You will need to keep your emotions in check, a goal that can be difficult when divorcing a narcissist. To help maintain emotional control, find time to engage in activities you enjoy. Self-care can range from exercising, taking a walk, working on crafts or reading a book to going to a movie, seeing friends for an evening out or just taking a drive in the country.

Divorcing a narcissist is not just a legal battle but a psychological one as well. Your patience will be tested, finances may become strained and relationships with family and friends may be put at risk. However, with the proper preparation, strategies and the support of an experienced attorney, you can obtain your goals and create a solid foundation for your future. If you have any questions about divorcing a Narcissist, call the Law Offices Of Peter Van Aulen today at (201) 845-7400 for a free consultation.