Effective Strategies to Lower the Temperature of a High-Conflict Divorce

Divorce is tough. When anger, blame, and resentment take over, it can feel like walking through a firestorm. A high-conflict divorce drains emotions, finances, and even the well-being of children caught in the crossfire.

There are some battle-tested, effective strategies that can lower the temperature of a high-conflict divorce in New Jersey:

• Prioritize personal emotional self-regulation
• Establish clear boundaries
• Utilize neutral third party for communication
• Keep Focus on problem solving
• Avoid social media and public venting
• Choose battles wisely
• Work with collaborative divorce team
• Protect children from conflict
• Know when to disengage

Prioritize Personal Emotional Self-Regulation

A common reality is that high-conflict divorces typically stem from unchecked emotions. The most common of emotions that can run amok in a high-tension divorce include:

• Anger
• Fear
• Resentment
• Frustration

Time tested strategies that form a foundation for emotional self-regulation include incorporating a mindfulness or meditation practice into your regular routines. Taking this approach aids in helping you remain centered during the course of a challenging, emotional divorce process.

As a practical matter, you can prioritize emotional self-regulation by avoiding impulsive responsiveness during marriage dissolution proceedings. In addition to inflaming emotions, impulsive responses in a divorce can lead to poor decisions on the legal front as well.

In addition, do not rule out obtaining therapy or counseling if you find it particularly challenging to obtain consistent motional self-regulation. Keep in mind that there are professionals who specialize in working with people during divorces.

Establish Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are absolutely vital during divorce proceedings, particularly ones in which emotions run hot. Boundaries help limit toxic interactions between spouses in a marriage dissolution case. Avoiding this type of tension is made more likely if you establish rules for communication. Examples of such rules are:

• Only discuss divorce matters via email or a co-parenting app and avoid heated in-person or phone arguments 
• Keep conversations child-focused if co-parenting.  
• Block or limit contact** if the other party is abusive or manipulative  

Utilize Neutral Third Party for Communication

On a related note, utilize neutral third parties to facilitate communication that otherwise would directly occur between divorcing spouses. Direct communication can fuel arguments. Alternatives to direct communication include taking steps to:  

• Hire a mediator to facilitate discussions 
• Use a parenting coordinator for child-related disputes  
• Communicate through lawyers when necessary

Keep Focus on Problem Solving

Despite a persistent belief, divorce is not about defeating the other spouse. In the grand scheme of things, divorce is designed to find fair solutions. In this regard, it is important to separate emotions from logistics. It is crucial to be willing to compromise. And, if children are involved, it is vital to keep a focus on what is in the best interests of those children.

Avoid Social Media and Public Venting

With increasing regularity, attorneys are advising their clients to reduce use or stay off of social media all together during New Jersey divorce proceedings. The stark reality is that posts on social media about your spouse during marriage dissolution proceedings can increase tensions and even harm a divorce case.  

Avoiding social media and public venting involves a number of very basic strategies that include:

• Stay silent about the divorce online  
• Don’t badmouth your ex to mutual friends or family  
• Keep personal disputes private to prevent gossip and unnecessary drama 
• Never badmouth your spouse in front of children

Choose Battles Wisely

Not every disagreement in a New Jersey divorce needs to result in a fight. Ask yourself if a particular issue is worth the emotional and financial cost, is worth increasing the temperature of a high-conflict divorce. Similarly, you need to ask yourself if you can let a potential argument pass for the sake of peace? Finally, if children are involved, you need to contemplate whether or not knocking up the temperature in a divorce would actually benefit them.   

Know When to Disengage

Finally, some conflicts that arise in a divorce simply will not resolve peacefully. If you find yourself in a situation in which the other spouse will not negotiate amicably, there are some specific steps you can take:

• Let your lawyer handle contentious issues
• Limit contact to only essential topics
• Accept that you can’t control the other spouse’s behavior – only your own response

If you are facing a high conflict divorce, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen today at (201) 845-7400 for a free initial consultation.