Five Stages of Divorce Grief

Divorce is often likened to the death of a relationship. With that loss comes grief. Whether divorce is amicable or filled with conflict, the emotional toll can be profound in many if not most cases. 

Much like the well-known Kübler-Ross model of grief (originally applied to death and dying), people navigating the end of a marriage often experience five recognizable stages of grief. The five stages of divorce grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

These stages are not necessarily linear. Moreover, not everyone experiences each one in the same way or order. Nonetheless, understanding these stages of divorce grief can aid individuals cope with the emotional aftermath of the end of a marriage. Understanding the stages of divorce grief can assist in beginning the healing process.

Denial: Shock and Disbelief Phase

The first or initial reaction to the end of a marriage oftentimes is denial. Psychology professionals believe that this is a protective mechanism that helps cushion the immediate shock of separation or divorce. During this stage, a person may refuse to believe that the relationship is truly over. They may cling to the hope that things can still work out or minimize the severity of the marital issues that led to the split.

Commonplace signs of divorce-related denial include:

• Avoiding conversations about the divorce
• Believing the separation is temporary
• Continuing to behave as if the marriage is intact
• Refusing to make necessary legal or financial preparations

Keep in mind that denial itself is a natural response to emotional overload. It allows individuals to slowly begin processing a new and painful reality of what has happened to a marriage. 

Anger: The Emotional Release

As the reality of divorce settles in, denial often gives way to anger. This stage can be directed at many targets. These targets many times include:

• Ex-spouse
• Oneself
• Family members
• Legal system.

Anger may stem from:

• Feelings of betrayal
• Abandonment
• Resentment over perceived injustices

In this stage, a person in a divorce may experience:

• Blaming their former partner for the divorce
• Replaying past arguments in their mind
• Resentment over legal outcomes like custody or asset division
• Anger at themselves for “failing” or not seeing red flags

It’s important to note that although uncomfortable, anger can be a productive stage if channeled constructively. Anger can provide a level of emotional energy needed to begin taking action and setting boundaries.

Bargaining: The “What If” Phase

In the bargaining stage of divorce grief, people try to regain control or reverse the loss by negotiating. This occurs either literally with their former spouse or mentally with themselves or even a higher power. This stage is characterized by what many times is called “if only” thinking and a desire to undo the separation.

Common thoughts and behaviors include:

• “If I change, maybe we can get back together.”
• Trying to rekindle intimacy or revisit past conversations
• Making promises to be different if given another chance
• Wishing for a different outcome through small changes in past decisions

Bargaining often delays the grieving process by focusing on hypothetical futures instead of reality. While it can offer short-term emotional relief, it is ultimately a form of resistance to the finality of divorce and the end of a marriage relationship.

Depression: The Weight of Loss

Depression is a key component of the stages of divorce grief. Once the realization sets in that the marriage is truly over, many individuals experience a profound sense of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness. This is the depression stage. This is what many mental health professionals consider the emotional core of divorce grief. It can be triggered by major life changes such as moving, co-parenting, or facing the future alone.

Symptoms of the grief stage typically include:

• Withdrawal from social activities
• Trouble sleeping or eating
• Feelings of worthlessness or failure
• Persistent sadness or anxiety
• Difficulty imagining a hopeful future

This phase is often the most intense but also the most transformative. Acknowledging the full weight of the loss is painful, but it is a necessary step toward healing. Seeking support through therapy, friends, or support groups can help ease this transition.

Acceptance: The Path Forward

The final stage of divorce grief is acceptance. This doesn’t mean you are “over” the divorce, but it does mean you are no longer resisting its reality. You begin to make peace with the past, embrace the present, and plan for the future. Emotional wounds may remain, but they no longer control your daily life.

Acceptance can take many forms but oftentimes looks like:

• Establishing a new routine and identity
• Letting go of bitterness or blame
• Cooperating effectively in co-parenting
• Exploring new relationships or opportunities
• Rediscovering a sense of self outside the marriage

Reaching acceptance takes time and effort. A level of acceptance often emerges gradually as individuals rebuild confidence, find meaning in the experience, and reclaim agency over their lives. If you have any questions regarding a New Jersey divorce, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen at (201) 845-7400 for a free consultation.