Navigating Mutual Friendships During a New Jersey Divorce

New Jersey divorce is never solely a legal process. The ending of a marriage is also a social one. When a marriage comes to an end, so does the shared network of mutual friends, couples, and acquaintances that exist. In New Jersey, where many communities are tightly knit and social circles often overlap between families, workplaces, and schools, a question arises: What happens to mutual friends during and following a New Jersey divorce.

Social Fallout of a New Jersey Divorce

When a Garden State marriage dissolves, it is understandable that mutual friends may feel torn between the divorcing spouses. There may be a struggle with feelings of loyalty as well as confusion or even discomfort. This can particularly be the case if one spouse initiated the divorce or if allegations of wrongdoing are part of the marriage dissolution narrative. In little time, for the divorcing spouses, these friendships can quickly become emotional battlegrounds. This included these friendships becoming sources of gossip, betrayal, or grief.

From a psychological standpoint, mutual friendships have the potential to serve as important support systems during the course of a divorce. Losing access to those networks can deepen the sense of isolation that often accompanies the end of a marriage. This loss can feel especially acute when the couple’s social world was built primarily around joint or mutual friends.

Understand and Respect Boundaries

There exist no hard and fast rules governing who “gets” which friends during and after a New Jersey divorce. Unlike property and debt division, friendships aren’t divisible assets. With that duly noted, friendships carry emotional weight similar to that associated with important shared possessions. The process of redefining friendships must therefore be handled with personal boundaries, respect, and proper communication in mind.

Both parties need to recognize that friends are autonomous individuals. Friends have the right to maintain relationships with whomever they choose. In the end, pressuring friends to take sides or share private information can backfire during and after a New Jersey marriage dissolution proceeding.  

Avoid a Loyalty Test

One of the most common missteps people make during the course of a divorce is to try to force friends into what accurately can be called a loyalty test. While this reaction and associated conduct is understandable, a loyalty test often leads to even greater loss. Friends may withdraw from both parties rather than feel caught in the crossfire during a divorce.

A healthier and more intelligent approach is to release friends from such expectations. This kind of grace-based strategy can foster goodwill all around. Significantly, it reduces unnecessary tension.

Mutual Friends and Confidentiality Concerns

One area where mutual friendships intersect with the legal process is in the realm of confidentiality. The stark reality is that a New Jersey marriage dissolution case oftentimes involves sensitive personal, financial, and other types of information. Sharing this information casually with mutual friends has the possibility of creating what prove to be serious complications.

New Jersey’s family courts encourage parties to conduct themselves with discretion during marriage dissolution proceedings, particularly in high-conflict or high-profile divorces. Friends should never be used as intermediaries during a divorce. Not only does engaging in such conduct erode trust, it may also create what are known as evidentiary issues in the actual court proceeding. 

In the grand scheme of things, a good rule of thumb is to always treat conversations with mutual friends as if they might someday appear in a court transcript. If that thought gives pause, it’s best to keep the information private and not share it with a friend or anyone else for that matter. 

Building New Support Networks

Finally, while some mutual friendships can and do survive divorce, others may not. This isn’t always a negative outcome. Divorce represents an opportunity to rebuild one’s identity and social world on more individualistic, perhaps even authentic terms. Making new friends, reconnecting with old ones who’ve not been around much during your marriage, joining community organizations are all examples of how you can introduce new, independent relationships. This process and these people can work to reinforce self-esteem and even better your overall emotional health.

Keep in mind that any New Jersey communities are home to such things as divorce support groups. These can be found in a wide array of locations, including local churches, synagogues, and community centers. These spaces provide understanding without judgment. They can prove to be places where people can process the end of a marriage as well as any accompanying  loss of mutual friends. If you have questions concerning divorce, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen at (201) 845-7400 for a free consultation.