The Five Stages of Divorce Grief: Understanding the Emotional Journey

Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can go through. Even when a separation is mutual or necessary, the end of a marriage brings profound grief. Just as with the death of a loved one, divorce triggers a grieving process that often follows recognizable stages. Renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally identified what have become known as the five stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Kübler-Ross devised these stages of grief in the context of death and dying. With that noted these stages also apply to the emotional turmoil of divorce.  We spend a moment to visit with you about the five stages of divorce grief.

By coming to an essential understanding of these stages of grief associated with New Jersey marriage dissolution, you will likely find yourself in a better position to more effectively navigate emotions and to eventually move forward with your life.  

Denial

The first reaction to divorce oftentimes is denial. Many people struggle to accept that their marriage is ending. This can be the case even for the person filing for marriage dissolution and if the signs of problems were present for an extended period of time. Denial can prove to be something of a defense mechanism which works to soften the initial shock associated with a relationship unraveling and divorce.  

There are a number of signs associated with the denial stage of grief:

• Minimizing problems (“We can still work this out.”)  
• Pretending everything is normal  
• Avoiding legal steps
• Avoiding discussions about separation  
• Holding onto false hope for reconciliation  

Anger

Another stage of divorce grief (often considered the next stage) occurs when the reality of marriage dissolution sets in. This is known as the anger. Anger can be directed in a variety of directions, sometimes all of these simultaneously:

• Ex-spouse
• Oneself
• Family
• Friends
• Lawyers

While anger is a natural response to feeling hurt or betrayed, unchecked rage which can develop in the context of a divorce can prove destructive. Anger is a normal part of grief, but staying stuck in this stage can delay healing

Signs of divorce-related anger as part of the stages of grief include:

• Resentment toward an ex-partner  
• Blaming others for the marriage’s failure  
• Outbursts of frustration or irritability  
• Engaging in arguments or legal battles out of spite  

Bargaining

In the so- called bargaining stage of grief, individuals often replay the past, wondering if they could have saved the marriage. They may make promises to change or even do things like plead for another chance )even if reconciliation isn’t realistic).  

There are a number of signs that are commonplace in the bargaining stage that include:

• Trying to negotiate with an ex

• Obsessively analyzing past mistakes  
• Seeking “signs” that the relationship could be fixed  
• Feeling guilt or self-blame  

There are a number of tactics you can consider employing when working to address the bargaining phase of grief:

• Accept what you can’t control
• Focus on self-improvement
• Let go of “what-ifs”

Depression  

When the full weight of the divorce settles in, **depression** may take hold. This stage involves sadness, loneliness, and a sense of hopelessness about the future. While painful, depression is a necessary part of grieving—it means you’re processing the loss.  

There is an array of different signs of divorce associated with the divorce grief process:

• Withdrawing from social activities  
• Changes in sleep or appetite
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling defeated  
• Crying frequently
• Feeling emotionally numb  

You can undertake a number of tactics to aid in addressing depression during marriage dissolution:

• Allow yourself to grieve
• Lean on support systems
• Consider therapy 
• Establish a new routine

Keep in mind that while depression may feel endless, it is temporary.

Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean being over” the divorce. Rather, it means acknowledging the reality of the situation as well as finding some level of peace. This stage of divorce grief permits the opportunity for emotional stability together with the ability to envision a new future for yourself.

There are a number of signs of acceptance in the grief process that include:

• Letting go of resentment  
• Making plans for the future  
• Feeling at peace with the past  
• Opening up to new relationships 

Finally, keep in mind that divorce grief is not linear. The reality is that some days you may feel acceptance, only to cycle back to anger or to another stage. In the end, the key is to be patient with yourself and recognize that healing is a journey.  If you have legal questions about a divorce in New Jersey, call the Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen today at (201) 845-7400 for a free initial consultation.